Just Being Myself

This is a poem I wrote not too long ago. Break Down by Rebecca Christensen Cry. Cry out in grief, let your tears flow. Allowing that release, That pain you never show. Cry in despair, That pain that doesn’t cease But no one seems to care. Cry in misery, screaming. Scream. Scream in anger Punching your bed Everything starts to blur Scream in fear It’s getting to your head Those things you can’t un-hear Scream until your scream becomes a whimper. Whimper. Whimper on your bed Wiping away tears You start to pretend. Pretend. Pretend you are okay. Because you are strong, You’ll live another day. I think it is time I come clean about something...       Writing for me has always been my greatest outlet... hence why I keep this blog. Writing has been how I express myself, a way to put on page what I can't show on the outside. You see, in about May 2012 I started really struggling with depre...

Growing up sucks. There I said it. I hate being a "grown up" I find myself struggling to make ends meet for the first time since I started working. Granted I've been doing well at saving my rent and getting by groceries to last me until next pay day but after all that I find myself being stretched for money. I hate this! I hate not having enough money to do things. And now here's the kicker... My car potentially needs a new battery or an alternator. I can't afford that! I have no idea what I'm going to do right now. I honestly can't handle the stress. I have no idea where I'm going to come up with the money and it's like what am I going to do? I know I just need to sit back and breathe but I just can't the weight of all this is crushing down on me. I really wish I had never moved out of the house. Yes, I was going insane living with my parents and was itching to get out. I'm not going to lie I love having the freedom to do whatever I want a...

So a few years ago this guy named Jeffery Dean came down and he talked to the Christian youth of St. George about dating. One of the things he suggested we do that I particularly liked was the idea of a list of "10 Commandments" for our future spouse. These are ten standards that should be met before that person is considered for a relationship. I liked it and created my own set of 10 Commandments... but I haven't really followed them. So I went back and revised a few of them and I thought I'd post them up on here kind of as a way for me to stay accountable to these 10 Commandments. This way those of you reading can help hold me accountable to the standards I am setting. Without further ado here are my 10 Commandments... 10 Commandments for my Future Spouse He MUST have a relationship with God. He should be patient... I mean come on he has to put up with me for the rest of his life. He must be good with kids. Nothing makes a girl swoon more than a guy who is ...

Dear 16 Year Old Me, You've finally done it! You're 16!!!! I know you're still struggling over losing Paul and Nolan, but that's okay to still be feeling this way. I know you're thinking life will just be awesome... you can date now, you're on Drama Council and Pine View is doing Fiddler on the Roof. You're also about to enter your hardest year of school. APUSH, Honors English AND College Classes??? Girl you are insane. I'd like to offer you some advice. First things first: relationships are over rated. I know you feel like you have to have a boyfriend now that you are finally of age but in all reality you don't. I know you're going to get boy crazy, just please remember that you never need a boy in your life to be happy. The second thing I have to tell you is learn to manage your time. You are so super involved with anything and everything right now... you need to manage your time and learn to prioritize or else be prepared to face the conseque...

     Okay let's get one thing very clear here: I have seen a lot of death... like A LOT of death within these past few years. I personally hate death and all that it brings... between losing my Uncle and my friend Nolan in the same week to losing my Great Grandma less than a year later I'd thought that I'd somehow grown immune to the pain that death brings... I was oh so very wrong. When little Nathaniel Wiebe was sent up to God's loving arms I lost it. I'm not sure why that was I'd never been particularly close to Nate, I don't even recall holding him. I think part of my devastation was that I am very fond of the Wiebe family. Because of Phil and Melissa my family is stronger than we ever would be had we not met them. Without Phil and Melissa my parents wouldn't be married and I probably wouldn't have a very good relationship with my mom. So I was crushed that something so heartbreaking could happen to such a good family. I remember crying in my roo...

     So I leave for my very last summer camp here in a few hours (yes, I'm still awake at two in the morning and I have to wake up and get ready to leave around eight or so) and I have so many emotions running through my system right now. I'm so excited to see what this year will bring. This is the first time our church will be staying at the Big Rock Candy Mountain Resort (yes, that is its real name) so I'm excited to see what they have to offer. Also the pastor that Jake hired to come preach is amazing. He taught our lessons last year and I loved it, I really felt myself growing closer to God. I'm also very excited for worship... I hear it should be pretty awesome and for me I love to worship God best through music (last year I even got to join the worship team up at camp and it was such an awesome experience). The Draper campus is coming down to camp with us and that should be fun too, last time we camped together was way fun and the laughs were endless. I am also so...

Uncle Paul,      Holy Hannah, it's been two years already. I told myself I wasn't going to cry this year, but here I am typing this up and the tears are starting. I am so upset that you're gone. I know I shouldn't be, I'm happy you're not in pain anymore, that you're in Heaven. I'm upset because I never got to know you. Our time together was very brief and you were sick for most of it, and then you got worse and overnight you were gone. I  remember when I first met you at the family reunion in Iowa. I was feeling a little secluded, all those Robucks in one place can be a little crazy and too much for a shy girl like me (those who know me and are reading this probably just laughed at that) but you still came over and spoke to me, you still included me. I remember you trying to tell me the story of the time you "wrestled the Grizzly Bear in the Rockies" but I just laughed because it was such an outlandish story and obviously B.S. then you tried ...