Just Being Myself

Hi Matt, Wow. You've been gone for five years now. It feels like you left us not so long ago. I struggled with your loss for a while. You were my first major experience with death. I was thirteen and not sure what to do. I remember seeing your mom torn to pieces over losing you. She was crying over your casket and wouldn't let them lower you down, she didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't learn how you died until about two years after you died. My mom told me it was suicide and that Stephanie blames herself. I was pissed. I couldn't believe you would be so heartless. I wanted to go out to your gravesite and yell at you. I wanted to scream and kick your headstone, to pound the ground by your grave. You killed your mother inside when you did that. You hurt us all. I didn't think I would ever forgive you for that. And then my own depression hit me. I wanted to kill myself, but never could go through with it because I thought of your suicide and the effect it had on...

Dear God, I am mad at you. There I said it. I am angry with you! I know that you love us and that you do everything in order to make us the best person possible but I am still furious. I'm only eighteen, so why do I know so much loss? Every time I tell myself it's okay and move on, another person is gone. I just don't get it! I look back to July and losing Ron. I was totally numb, I didn't know whether or not to be relieved or upset over that. I didn't feel anything, not even after seeing my mom break down and cry. You took away Paul as I was still getting to know him. At fifteen I was hating myself because I was wishing my uncle dead due to the amount of pain he was in. You tested my faith during that time, it wasn't easy and I hated you for it. Then you took Nolan only a couple days later. Sure we weren't close after I left Tuacahn but we were still friends. I was heartbroken. Before then I'd never experienced loss and now you took away two people fro...

     I've been thinking today and I realized, I have lost a lot of people. The number of people I've lost is tremendous. I'm 18, I shouldn't have this much experience with death for crying out loud! Usually I can just file away all that loss into a cabinet deep, deep in my mind and forget about it all. I know that these people are gone, but I just choose not to acknowledge that fact. It's really easy to go on doing that and living life as though these people have never passed on. However the anniversary of that loss always makes it really rough for me to forget and in my experience that first anniversary is always the hardest one to over come. What I wouldn't give if I could just see all these people who are gone and hold them one more time, hear their laughter and smell their sweet scent. What I wouldn't pay to say "I love you" one last time.      Let me fill you in really fast. Last week I received a call from my mom that my uncle was found unr...

This is a poem I wrote not too long ago. Break Down by Rebecca Christensen Cry. Cry out in grief, let your tears flow. Allowing that release, That pain you never show. Cry in despair, That pain that doesn’t cease But no one seems to care. Cry in misery, screaming. Scream. Scream in anger Punching your bed Everything starts to blur Scream in fear It’s getting to your head Those things you can’t un-hear Scream until your scream becomes a whimper. Whimper. Whimper on your bed Wiping away tears You start to pretend. Pretend. Pretend you are okay. Because you are strong, You’ll live another day. I think it is time I come clean about something...       Writing for me has always been my greatest outlet... hence why I keep this blog. Writing has been how I express myself, a way to put on page what I can't show on the outside. You see, in about May 2012 I started really struggling with depre...

Growing up sucks. There I said it. I hate being a "grown up" I find myself struggling to make ends meet for the first time since I started working. Granted I've been doing well at saving my rent and getting by groceries to last me until next pay day but after all that I find myself being stretched for money. I hate this! I hate not having enough money to do things. And now here's the kicker... My car potentially needs a new battery or an alternator. I can't afford that! I have no idea what I'm going to do right now. I honestly can't handle the stress. I have no idea where I'm going to come up with the money and it's like what am I going to do? I know I just need to sit back and breathe but I just can't the weight of all this is crushing down on me. I really wish I had never moved out of the house. Yes, I was going insane living with my parents and was itching to get out. I'm not going to lie I love having the freedom to do whatever I want a...

So a few years ago this guy named Jeffery Dean came down and he talked to the Christian youth of St. George about dating. One of the things he suggested we do that I particularly liked was the idea of a list of "10 Commandments" for our future spouse. These are ten standards that should be met before that person is considered for a relationship. I liked it and created my own set of 10 Commandments... but I haven't really followed them. So I went back and revised a few of them and I thought I'd post them up on here kind of as a way for me to stay accountable to these 10 Commandments. This way those of you reading can help hold me accountable to the standards I am setting. Without further ado here are my 10 Commandments... 10 Commandments for my Future Spouse He MUST have a relationship with God. He should be patient... I mean come on he has to put up with me for the rest of his life. He must be good with kids. Nothing makes a girl swoon more than a guy who is ...

Dear 16 Year Old Me, You've finally done it! You're 16!!!! I know you're still struggling over losing Paul and Nolan, but that's okay to still be feeling this way. I know you're thinking life will just be awesome... you can date now, you're on Drama Council and Pine View is doing Fiddler on the Roof. You're also about to enter your hardest year of school. APUSH, Honors English AND College Classes??? Girl you are insane. I'd like to offer you some advice. First things first: relationships are over rated. I know you feel like you have to have a boyfriend now that you are finally of age but in all reality you don't. I know you're going to get boy crazy, just please remember that you never need a boy in your life to be happy. The second thing I have to tell you is learn to manage your time. You are so super involved with anything and everything right now... you need to manage your time and learn to prioritize or else be prepared to face the conseque...