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Dear God.

Dear God,
I am mad at you. There I said it. I am angry with you! I know that you love us and that you do everything in order to make us the best person possible but I am still furious. I'm only eighteen, so why do I know so much loss? Every time I tell myself it's okay and move on, another person is gone. I just don't get it! I look back to July and losing Ron. I was totally numb, I didn't know whether or not to be relieved or upset over that. I didn't feel anything, not even after seeing my mom break down and cry. You took away Paul as I was still getting to know him. At fifteen I was hating myself because I was wishing my uncle dead due to the amount of pain he was in. You tested my faith during that time, it wasn't easy and I hated you for it. Then you took Nolan only a couple days later. Sure we weren't close after I left Tuacahn but we were still friends. I was heartbroken. Before then I'd never experienced loss and now you took away two people from my lives.
I was fine and I was healing from losing Paul and Nolan, until you took Gigi. Gigi who was the only thing still holding my family together. Yes, I know that she was suffering here on earth just like Paul was. I know that they are both better off, happy and free of pain, but that doesn't change the fact that I can't call them up and talk to them. I miss my crazy Gigi, with her kind heart that was always full of love. I miss my whacky Uncle Paul with his ridiculous stories that always brought a smile to my face. I miss them! As if losing Gigi wasn't enough you took away Nate from Phil and Melissa. Yes, they are amazing people, probably even more so now because of this, but you caused them pain. A family who has been nothing but kind to everyone. The family which is the only reason that my parents are still together. It just wasn't fair!
I was recovering and coming to terms with all of this and you take Ron from us. I was expecting the tears to come, to melt down and lose it the way I did when Nate passed and nothing happened. I realized that I was numb, it scared me. Wes was the next person on your list. True I wasn't very close to him at all, my only memories of him are the ones at my Great Grandma's house with him and his dog. I do remember that he would call my Great Grandma at least once a week to check in on her. I remember that he was planning to move out there to be closer to her but couldn't because of his health. I think the thing that upset me the most over losing Wes was that it hurt my Dad and his family. I hate seeing my Dad hurt and this effected him more than I think he's willing to admit.
I'm sure you know why I'm writing this. I'm mad because you took Aunt Toni. Again, I know she's better off there but we're all hurting here. We were just put back in contact with Aunt Toni, why couldn't we have more time? My mom is having a hard time with this. I'm having a hard time with this! I know I said that this is just one more person to add to the list, it's just another death but I'm hurting. I'm tired of all this loss. It seems like I move on from one person just to lose another and I am telling you right now that I am done. If I lose one more person, I'm done. I just can't take it any more!!!!! I know you mean well and that some good will come from this, it's hard to see that but I know it's there. It doesn't mean I can't be angry at you for taking somebody from us, for hurting my family. It doesn't mean that I can't say I am done. I. Am. DONE! No more! I don't think I can take losing another person and no, that is not a challenge, that's a promise. I'm done. I am tired of all of this. I just need a break. I need to be reminded of your loving grace again. I want to be reminded that you still care. Right now all I'm feeling from you is pain. I think I've said enough. I do know that you care, just remind me, please because I can't take this anymore!

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