A year ago I was certain that when I officially graduated out of the youth group at my church that I would become a statistic... you know one of the 72% or something like that of teens who leave the church after graduating high school. I had absolutely no reason to continue going to church after that. My parents wouldn't care, I'd had a feeling they were unhappy with our church anyways. Then I was approached by one of the leaders over the middle school ministry and he told me that he thought I would be a great asset to the program and he'd love to have me as one of the assistants. I told him that I would pray about it and see. A few days later I felt that I had to do this. I wanted to make a difference and this was a great way to do so. After that last summer camp, I joined the High Tides ministry and found myself growing attached to the kids up there.
I've loved every second that I've been involved up there with the middle schoolers. I've formed bonds with several students and I've seen so many of "my kids" as I lovingly call them grow into these awesome people. I mean just last Sunday, I had one of my students who wouldn't even speak during the lesson in the beginning of the year in class and she was actively participating... not only that but she was smiling and happy! At first I'd never thought about leaving. Not even when my parents left our church for a new place. I couldn't even fathom leaving my kids. These are children I have spent the past year with. These are students I joke around with. These are people that I've developed a bond with, each and everyone of my "regular" students... the ones who are there every Sunday and every Wednesday have earned a special place in my heart. I know these kids feel close to me. We'll have long conversations together after lesson on Sunday and before classes start on Wednesday. I want to do everything I can to keep them from feeling hurt. I especially never wanted to be the one to hurt them.
But I never saw this coming. I never imagined something would happen that would make me think about stepping down. Even now just thinking about leaving my kids makes the tears threaten to spill. I've spent the past 24 hours in a constant haze. Part of me feels like I should remain loyal to my family and I know what they want: for me to step down and to come join them at their church. My mom's even told me I could start some form of a youth program up there at their church. And there is a big part of me that wants to believe the things my mom is telling me. Things that are helping to haze my vision about what to do. But there is that other part that reminds me I don't know everything. I shouldn't be too rash and I need to sit down and pray, I need to let my mind clear up and think even more seriously about leaving. There is a huge part of me that is concerned about my kids. This is the part of me that feels so heartbroken right now. Every time I think about stepping down I start to cry. I've started composing a message to my leaders telling them I want to step down but I never can finish it. I can't stand the idea of hurting my kids. And it will hurt them. They won't know why I'm leaving... they'll just know I'm leaving them.
It's the fact that I haven't managed to stop crying... literally. The fact that I feel so devastated that is keeping me from letting go. Part of me feels like the "right" choice would be to leave. And that is why I said on Facebook that the right choice is sometimes heartbreakingly painful. It's incredibly painful that I'm even considering leaving. This is the reason why I haven't stepped down officially yet. Because I don't quite feel right about it. I know that if this is what I was supposed to do I wouldn't be so upset about it. I'd be able to make it through the day without feeling depressed. Maybe I'm being overdramatic but that's how I feel.
So for now, I'll just keep praying. I'll pray for peace, I'll pray for his wisdom to help guide me. I will pray for each and every one of my middle school children. And I will sit down and read my Bible. I will be patient and avoid making any rash decisions I know I'll regret. Most importantly I will stop thinking about what's expected of me. I will think about where God needs me to be and right now, I feel like I am needed in those kids lives. If not for their sake than for mine. Because if I'd never became an assistant, I wouldn't be the Christian I am today. Each and every class I learn something and I grow a little more myself. That definitely is worth something in the end. And no matter what my final decision is this past year has been a huge blessing and I am beyond grateful for that.
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