I was raped. That never gets easier to say. I was raped. A year and a half ago, I was madly in love with a boy I thought I was going to marry and he raped me. We were on a date, things were going fine until he crossed a line. I told him no, I said stop. He eased off only to try again. This time I made the move to leave. He wouldn't let me leave. I wish I would've fought harder, jumped out of that truck and ran, even though we were literally in the middle of nowhere. I didn't though, and even if I had I don't think my story would be different. I would still have been raped, just in a different time and place.
He was controlling. He wanted what he wanted and refused to take no for an answer. I was naive and believed deep down that I saw some good in him. I wish I could say that I left him after that night. That I told my mom and reported him to the police. Sadly, that was not the case. I was in denial, I was trying to tell myself that I wasn't raped. I didn't fight hard enough, I gave up too easy, does that count as rape? I knew it did. I knew it was wrong and it'd happen again and yet, I still stayed. And since no wasn't a sufficient answer I stopped fighting it. I let myself get further into a sexually abusive relationship.
I ignored it all, I let it kill me inside. I felt dirty and used. He ended things. It's funny, I saw he was growing distant. I had all my friends telling me I needed to end things but I didn't want to hear it. He ended things, claiming that he didn't want any ties when he left for boot camp. I cried, and cried. My parents guessed that we had sex, I never told them it was anything other than consensual. I didn't want to say it out loud. I was raped. It took months for me to finally admit I was raped. It took even longer for me to finally tell my parents.
That brought up the debate of do we file a police report? Did I really want to live that all over again? I'm a victim. Worse, I'm afraid of how the courts would see my story. I feel they'd see me as a "crazy ex girlfriend." There's no proof of what happened, it's my word against his. That's one thing that's stopping me. Another is he's in the Air Force. He is far away from me. Let's say I win in court and he gets kicked out of the Air Force. He'd probably have to come back home and live right up the road from me. I'd be more likely to run into him in my small town. But what if because I never reported him he rapes someone else? That's all on me. Can I live with myself knowing that? According to both of his exes I've talked to, I'm the only one he's raped. That helps to solidify my choice.
I need to heal, and I feel like the best way to do that is to not drag myself through the court system. Yes, I could win the trial but I could also lose and that will crush me. I like to tell myself that, thanks to some therapy, I've moved on. But I don't know for sure that I fully have. This is something I will carry around with me for the rest of my life. I've been keeping this bottled up, trying to forget and it's driving me crazy. I needed to get it out there. I need to begin healing and silence wasn't helping.
He was controlling. He wanted what he wanted and refused to take no for an answer. I was naive and believed deep down that I saw some good in him. I wish I could say that I left him after that night. That I told my mom and reported him to the police. Sadly, that was not the case. I was in denial, I was trying to tell myself that I wasn't raped. I didn't fight hard enough, I gave up too easy, does that count as rape? I knew it did. I knew it was wrong and it'd happen again and yet, I still stayed. And since no wasn't a sufficient answer I stopped fighting it. I let myself get further into a sexually abusive relationship.
I ignored it all, I let it kill me inside. I felt dirty and used. He ended things. It's funny, I saw he was growing distant. I had all my friends telling me I needed to end things but I didn't want to hear it. He ended things, claiming that he didn't want any ties when he left for boot camp. I cried, and cried. My parents guessed that we had sex, I never told them it was anything other than consensual. I didn't want to say it out loud. I was raped. It took months for me to finally admit I was raped. It took even longer for me to finally tell my parents.
That brought up the debate of do we file a police report? Did I really want to live that all over again? I'm a victim. Worse, I'm afraid of how the courts would see my story. I feel they'd see me as a "crazy ex girlfriend." There's no proof of what happened, it's my word against his. That's one thing that's stopping me. Another is he's in the Air Force. He is far away from me. Let's say I win in court and he gets kicked out of the Air Force. He'd probably have to come back home and live right up the road from me. I'd be more likely to run into him in my small town. But what if because I never reported him he rapes someone else? That's all on me. Can I live with myself knowing that? According to both of his exes I've talked to, I'm the only one he's raped. That helps to solidify my choice.
I need to heal, and I feel like the best way to do that is to not drag myself through the court system. Yes, I could win the trial but I could also lose and that will crush me. I like to tell myself that, thanks to some therapy, I've moved on. But I don't know for sure that I fully have. This is something I will carry around with me for the rest of my life. I've been keeping this bottled up, trying to forget and it's driving me crazy. I needed to get it out there. I need to begin healing and silence wasn't helping.
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