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Looking Back

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Trigger Warning: This article deals with topics of sexual assault 

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and this month is a special month for me.

Coming up this May marks a milestone I'd never thought I'd need to mark. May 3rd marks the anniversary of my rape. It will be 8 years this year since that day.

When I first started to process my trauma, I felt the need to shout it from the rooftops and demand that everyone hear my story. I even shared it here on this blog. I was angry, I was hurting, most importantly I was scared and confused. I claimed I didn't want the attention I was getting from this post. I didn't want the praise and comments saying how strong and brave I was... but deep down, I really craved that validation. I was branding myself as the victim/survivor, and I was building my identity as the girl who was raped.

Looking back at the girl who was hurting and demanding to be heard, my heart aches for her. I have come so far since the girl who wrote that article in November of 2014. I am a woman who has processed her trauma in full. I have accepted my rape as an event in my life that shaped my story, but this event does not define who I am. I am no longer the girl who was raped. I am the girl who loves theater, the girl who cares for everyone with an open heart, the girl who fantasizes a little too much. I am a wife to an amazing soul and a dog mom to two furry beasts. My defining personality trait is not that I'm a victim or a survivor of sexual assault, but that I did the Disney College Program for a year and miss working for the mouse with all my heart.

It has taken me years of therapy, with multiple different therapists to get to this point. I am thankful for all of the support I have received throughout the years. Every person who has listened to my story and helped me to find me voice means more than they will ever know. I am proud of who I am and where I come from. 8 years ago I never would've imagined I'd end up where I am. 5 years ago, if you would've told me that my assault no longer defines me and that I have found peace with such a defining moment of my history I wouldn't have believed it. 

I no longer need to shout it from the rooftops, that ache in my chest and the anxiety that I felt that lead me to share my story so I wouldn't feel so alone is no longer there. I have found a kickass community of support I can lean on. I have found my worth and it's not defined by the actions of someone who quite honestly never deserved so much of my anger and resentment. I have found love and security in my incredible husband. When the moments come where my body shuts down as it remembers the times when my partner's touch wasn't always gentle and loving, he is there to hold me while I cry. He never once makes me feel like I am less of a partner because of my trauma. When I start to doubt my worth, he reminds me who I am and how incredible I am.


So yes... I was raped. I guess technically I am a Sexual Assault Survivor, but I am so much more than that. I never imagined I could be living life as fully as I am. And if you are reading this in the same headspace as where I was 7 years ago... I want you to know that I see you. I hear your story and I believe you. If you want to come forward and tell your story, I will stand by your side and help you navigate through it all. You are not alone. You are worthy and you are so loved more than you'll ever know. You are not your story. Just keep fighting.

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