Coming Clean

This is a poem I wrote not too long ago.

Break Down

by

Rebecca Christensen

Cry.

Cry out in grief, let your tears flow.

Allowing that release,

That pain you never show.

Cry in despair,

That pain that doesn’t cease

But no one seems to care.

Cry in misery, screaming.

Scream.

Scream in anger

Punching your bed

Everything starts to blur

Scream in fear

It’s getting to your head

Those things you can’t un-hear

Scream until your scream becomes a whimper.

Whimper.

Whimper on your bed

Wiping away tears

You start to pretend.

Pretend.

Pretend you are okay.

Because you are strong,

You’ll live another day.

I think it is time I come clean about something...
      Writing for me has always been my greatest outlet... hence why I keep this blog. Writing has been how I express myself, a way to put on page what I can't show on the outside. You see, in about May 2012 I started really struggling with depression. I'm not so sure why that is. Maybe because I had just lost my Great Grandma and was still struggling to cope with that loss... maybe because of the stress of Junior Year. Whatever the reason was doesn't really matter, what matters is that I was struggling so fiercely with a depression so intense I couldn't see the way out. I felt myself sinking farther and farther into this pit of despair. It was getting unbelievably hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel and to be honest there were some days when I didn't even want to get out of bed, where I just wanted to lay there and hope for an end to this misery. I stopped eating and only ate to appease my mom who I'm sure noticed something was up but never said anything. I stopped caring about my homework, my friends, pretty much everything. Every day I was just going through the motions. And here's the thing, I hid it from everyone even my closest friends. I didn't bother to tell my mom what was going on, I feared she wouldn't believe me... or even worse she would and I would get no privacy because she was afraid of losing me. I got up in the morning and put on a happy face and sent out that "I'm okay!!!" beacon for everybody to see. On the surface I was just fine but underneath I was screaming out for help. Every fiber of my being was screaming "somebody please help me! I'm not okay!" After a while I started telling my few friends who knew about the depression that I was okay, that the depression was gone and I was feeling better. And for a while I really was doing so much better.
       After a few months or so, I started sinking back into the darkness that was eating away at me. On the outside I was happy and in front of people nothing was wrong but there were some nights when I would cry myself to sleep. I can't even remember how many times I had melt downs like the one described in my poem. I was so desperate for someone to notice I wasn't okay but at the same time, I didn't want anybody to know that I was depressed. I didn't want to get dragged to the doctor and have them tell me that I was ill and give me medication that was supposed to make me feel better. It was because of this that I kept pushing forward. I was sending out so many signals and signs though. I was no longer happy and optimistic at work, instead I became grumpy and just outright miserable to work with. It was a battle to be nice and friendly towards the customers. Another sign was my school work. I used to love going to school and learning new things. I was so proud of my grades and anything below a B would have me worried. I just stopped caring about school, I'd find any reason to not go to class. And as for my grades... well all I cared about was that they were passing so I could graduate high school. It was the grades that caught my parents attention. Did they ask what was wrong? No. They just jumped down my throat to bring the grades up... now that's not to say that they weren't worried but were just putting a brave face on so as not to frighten me, maybe they were and I just didn't know.
     I jumped into a relationship with a guy I know didn't respect me. He didn't care what I wanted, this relationship was all about him. My parents tried to warn me but I didn't listen. My friends and coworkers voiced their concern and I pushed it aside. I had hit my absolute low, I didn't think I deserved a boy who actually cared about me. This boy paid attention to me and made me feel like I was special but in the back of mind I knew it wasn't a good idea, that it was an unhealthy relationship that I need to get out of. When he broke up with me I was devastated. I cried for a full day until my dad told me to pull myself together and that a tool like him wasn't worth my tears. It was during that time that I started to realize how much I am truly loved. I had friends texting me asking me what was wrong after they had seen my Facebook status. I had coworkers who just held me all night when I finally snapped and starting crying, and those who tried to make me laugh.
     It was then that I started to do a 180. I started to crawl out of my depression. It hasn't been an easy task. And part of it was that I was surrounding myself with people who were bringing me down, not building me up. Recently I've cut those people out of my life and am surrounding myself with positive people. I deleted everyone connected to my ex on Facebook (except for his sister cause she's awesome) so I am no longer tied to him. I opened my heart back up to God and asked him for help pulling me out of the pit that I was sinking back in to and he came through. For the first time since that depression hit the smile on my face isn't there for show... it's a real smile. For the first time in a long time, I wake up hopeful. I'm really truly happy. For the first time in the longest time that weight which has been crushing me making it hard to breathe has been lifted and I can breathe again. For once I'm not ashamed to admit that I have struggled with depression. And now I finally feel free from that depression... I finally feel like myself again, and what a wonderful feeling that is.