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Showing posts from 2013

Dear God.

Dear God, I am mad at you. There I said it. I am angry with you! I know that you love us and that you do everything in order to make us the best person possible but I am still furious. I'm only eighteen, so why do I know so much loss? Every time I tell myself it's okay and move on, another person is gone. I just don't get it! I look back to July and losing Ron. I was totally numb, I didn't know whether or not to be relieved or upset over that. I didn't feel anything, not even after seeing my mom break down and cry. You took away Paul as I was still getting to know him. At fifteen I was hating myself because I was wishing my uncle dead due to the amount of pain he was in. You tested my faith during that time, it wasn't easy and I hated you for it. Then you took Nolan only a couple days later. Sure we weren't close after I left Tuacahn but we were still friends. I was heartbroken. Before then I'd never experienced loss and now you took away two people fro

Thoughts...

     I've been thinking today and I realized, I have lost a lot of people. The number of people I've lost is tremendous. I'm 18, I shouldn't have this much experience with death for crying out loud! Usually I can just file away all that loss into a cabinet deep, deep in my mind and forget about it all. I know that these people are gone, but I just choose not to acknowledge that fact. It's really easy to go on doing that and living life as though these people have never passed on. However the anniversary of that loss always makes it really rough for me to forget and in my experience that first anniversary is always the hardest one to over come. What I wouldn't give if I could just see all these people who are gone and hold them one more time, hear their laughter and smell their sweet scent. What I wouldn't pay to say "I love you" one last time.      Let me fill you in really fast. Last week I received a call from my mom that my uncle was found unre

Coming Clean

This is a poem I wrote not too long ago. Break Down by Rebecca Christensen Cry. Cry out in grief, let your tears flow. Allowing that release, That pain you never show. Cry in despair, That pain that doesn’t cease But no one seems to care. Cry in misery, screaming. Scream. Scream in anger Punching your bed Everything starts to blur Scream in fear It’s getting to your head Those things you can’t un-hear Scream until your scream becomes a whimper. Whimper. Whimper on your bed Wiping away tears You start to pretend. Pretend. Pretend you are okay. Because you are strong, You’ll live another day. I think it is time I come clean about something...       Writing for me has always been my greatest outlet... hence why I keep this blog. Writing has been how I express myself, a way to put on page what I can't show on the outside. You see, in about May 2012 I started really struggling with depression. I'm not s

Growing up...

Growing up sucks. There I said it. I hate being a "grown up" I find myself struggling to make ends meet for the first time since I started working. Granted I've been doing well at saving my rent and getting by groceries to last me until next pay day but after all that I find myself being stretched for money. I hate this! I hate not having enough money to do things. And now here's the kicker... My car potentially needs a new battery or an alternator. I can't afford that! I have no idea what I'm going to do right now. I honestly can't handle the stress. I have no idea where I'm going to come up with the money and it's like what am I going to do? I know I just need to sit back and breathe but I just can't the weight of all this is crushing down on me. I really wish I had never moved out of the house. Yes, I was going insane living with my parents and was itching to get out. I'm not going to lie I love having the freedom to do whatever I want a

10 Commandments

So a few years ago this guy named Jeffery Dean came down and he talked to the Christian youth of St. George about dating. One of the things he suggested we do that I particularly liked was the idea of a list of "10 Commandments" for our future spouse. These are ten standards that should be met before that person is considered for a relationship. I liked it and created my own set of 10 Commandments... but I haven't really followed them. So I went back and revised a few of them and I thought I'd post them up on here kind of as a way for me to stay accountable to these 10 Commandments. This way those of you reading can help hold me accountable to the standards I am setting. Without further ado here are my 10 Commandments... 10 Commandments for my Future Spouse He MUST have a relationship with God. He should be patient... I mean come on he has to put up with me for the rest of his life. He must be good with kids. Nothing makes a girl swoon more than a guy who is

Dear 16 Year Old Me

Dear 16 Year Old Me, You've finally done it! You're 16!!!! I know you're still struggling over losing Paul and Nolan, but that's okay to still be feeling this way. I know you're thinking life will just be awesome... you can date now, you're on Drama Council and Pine View is doing Fiddler on the Roof. You're also about to enter your hardest year of school. APUSH, Honors English AND College Classes??? Girl you are insane. I'd like to offer you some advice. First things first: relationships are over rated. I know you feel like you have to have a boyfriend now that you are finally of age but in all reality you don't. I know you're going to get boy crazy, just please remember that you never need a boy in your life to be happy. The second thing I have to tell you is learn to manage your time. You are so super involved with anything and everything right now... you need to manage your time and learn to prioritize or else be prepared to face the conseque

Mourning

     Okay let's get one thing very clear here: I have seen a lot of death... like A LOT of death within these past few years. I personally hate death and all that it brings... between losing my Uncle and my friend Nolan in the same week to losing my Great Grandma less than a year later I'd thought that I'd somehow grown immune to the pain that death brings... I was oh so very wrong. When little Nathaniel Wiebe was sent up to God's loving arms I lost it. I'm not sure why that was I'd never been particularly close to Nate, I don't even recall holding him. I think part of my devastation was that I am very fond of the Wiebe family. Because of Phil and Melissa my family is stronger than we ever would be had we not met them. Without Phil and Melissa my parents wouldn't be married and I probably wouldn't have a very good relationship with my mom. So I was crushed that something so heartbreaking could happen to such a good family. I remember crying in my roo

Moving On

     So I leave for my very last summer camp here in a few hours (yes, I'm still awake at two in the morning and I have to wake up and get ready to leave around eight or so) and I have so many emotions running through my system right now. I'm so excited to see what this year will bring. This is the first time our church will be staying at the Big Rock Candy Mountain Resort (yes, that is its real name) so I'm excited to see what they have to offer. Also the pastor that Jake hired to come preach is amazing. He taught our lessons last year and I loved it, I really felt myself growing closer to God. I'm also very excited for worship... I hear it should be pretty awesome and for me I love to worship God best through music (last year I even got to join the worship team up at camp and it was such an awesome experience). The Draper campus is coming down to camp with us and that should be fun too, last time we camped together was way fun and the laughs were endless. I am also so

Dear Uncle Paul

Uncle Paul,      Holy Hannah, it's been two years already. I told myself I wasn't going to cry this year, but here I am typing this up and the tears are starting. I am so upset that you're gone. I know I shouldn't be, I'm happy you're not in pain anymore, that you're in Heaven. I'm upset because I never got to know you. Our time together was very brief and you were sick for most of it, and then you got worse and overnight you were gone. I  remember when I first met you at the family reunion in Iowa. I was feeling a little secluded, all those Robucks in one place can be a little crazy and too much for a shy girl like me (those who know me and are reading this probably just laughed at that) but you still came over and spoke to me, you still included me. I remember you trying to tell me the story of the time you "wrestled the Grizzly Bear in the Rockies" but I just laughed because it was such an outlandish story and obviously B.S. then you tried

My Name is Rebecca Christensen and I, am a Shopaholic

     Okay lets just get one thing absolutely crystal clear here: I LOVE to shop! Even if I don't spend money I love walking into stores and arranging outfits which I think would look adorable on me or trying fragrances at Bath and Body Works and convincing myself I don't need that. I just love it all. That being said, I do have a job and I feel I am responsible with my money (as responsible as any 17 year old who still has mommy and daddy paying for all my needs can be), I make sure that I pay what I owe for my phone bill and the car insurance and then once that's done I put some money from every check into savings because crap happens and I don't want to worry about where am I going to get the money to replace my busted tire or to pay for the totally unexpected fees I encounter through school (the tire was fixed and schools done for now so my savings is untouched, yay!) So I feel comfortable when I spend money on that totally fab dress at Areopostale (the one store I N

Life Is Short...

Life is such a precious gift that we have been given. Many of us take it for granted and we often forget that life is not a "forever" gift and one day we will breathe our last breath and leave this world behind. I am constantly being reminded how short life is lately. My friend Sh'Kell is such a funny girl, even though she knows I am happily in a relationship she is ALWAYS trying to set me up with her friends. I usually tell her no, but I've been debating over whether or not my current relationship is worth it because he's leaving in August for Basic Training and has made it very clear that we may not make it after that (I am willing to fight though, I REALLY like this one, he makes me happy but what do I know? I'm only 17). Anyways getting back to the point... because I've been debating when Sh'Kell told me yesterday that she had gotten her friend Zac to come down with her boyfriend tomorrow (so today), I didn't say no I mean what's the harm i

JUST HANG IN THERE!!!!!!

This post is going to be a little bit religious, you are forewarned... Don't like it don't keep reading but you'll be missing out :)      So in my school we have this program called advocacy which just means our schedule gets horribly messed up and for twenty minutes we go to a teacher who for most of us we've never had and chill and talk about whatever the lesson plan is. Today the lesson was on suicide. Suicide rates apparently have been really high these past few years this year alone the state of Utah has had 18 teen suicides (yes I'm talking about 2013). That is something that deeply saddens my heart. I understand that sometimes it is so hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel and remain hopeful that this bump in the road will iron out to bigger and better things. If people could just see that and keep pushing on that'd be awesome. I also understand sometimes the person isn't screaming for help on the outside and it appears as if nothing is wr

To Gigi

Hey Gigi, I can't believe you've been gone an entire year. I miss you so much. I wish we would've been closer before you left but our fractured relationship with Grandma sorta prevented that.I remember getting the call from my mom while I was at Disneyland with my friends saying that I needed to call Grandma Darcy because you were probably going to die that night. I broke down crying at the Tower of Terror, my friends held me on the sidewalk while I cried. I finally put myself together long enough to call you and say goodbye. You didn't answer me and when I hung up I lost it again. I pulled myself together so I could enjoy the rest of my trip, anxiously waiting for the phone call that you had moved on. I returned home and you were doing better, all the worry and panic that I felt was finally gone... I still had more time. I wasn't expecting to receive that message from Grandma on the morning of April 3, 2012 that you had passed on in your sleep. I sat at the table

All Good Things Must End

Okay so I'm a huge Smash fan and this song "Caught in the Storm"  is one of the songs from the new season which I happen to love. This song fits how I'm feeling right now. My six month relationship ended today (yes I know that's short but for me that is really long) and this song fits the break-up I think. I was so caught up with the relationship not because I loved him. I was merely infatuated with him, and as time grew longer the flame was dulling out but I was so caught up in the storm that had become our relationship. I know that if you truly love someone you let them go or so the saying says. I believe that if you love someone, if you truly love them you will find a way to stay. All good things must eventually come to an end and in a way I'm thankful this relationship ended, yeah it hurts but him and I both knew it wasn't going anywhere once I head out for college. I know I will find someone who I truly love, it's just going to take lots and lots

Competition Season (Mostly)

Competition season is vastly approaching, meaning my life has taken a turn into Crazy Town. Sometimes I wonder why I signed up for two AP classes, Theater, Band, and Medical Anatomy while I'm trying to juggle working too. It is extremely tiring to be doing all these things but the rewards make it all worth it. It'll be nice to not have to take English or Government in college (if I pass the AP test) and the memories I make with my  performing arts friends will last me forever, not to mention it is so cool to learn all our body can do, oh and work is such a fun little family for me and the money in my bank account doesn't hurt. Stuff like this makes the craziness worth it. I'm not one to just sit still, I love having stuff going on in my life. Back to the topic... Competition Season. AH!!!! I LOVE competition season. I love pouring hours into my instrument hoping the rest of the band does the same thing and maybe this is the year we'll take state (fingers crossed) I

Mr. PVHS

     Never have I been to a more amazing school than Pine View High School. They are so generous and giving to the community. Every year they do a Mr. PVHS pageant where all the different clubs in school raise money  that in turn goes to a family with a medical condition. The first two years we raised money for Jessica Schmidt and Taleah Stevenson. Both these girls were under five years old and suffering with cancer. It was amazing to see how the school came together to support them, both years we raised over $1000! I love seeing that sense of community in the school. This year we are raising money for Talen Vaughn, he's a six year old boy who was born with a yet to be diagnosed disease which has left him paralyzed. I have no doubt in my mind that this year's fundraiser will be a successful one :)      The Mr. PVHS Pageant is something else entirely on it's own. Each club sends one boy to represent them. That boy is in charge of earning money for the family. How they earn

My Thoughts On Growing Up

     Whenever I tell someone I am a Senior the response is usually the same, "what do you want to do with your life?" I don't know how to respond to that. My family is telling me to go one way and my dreams are pushing me another way. Don't get me wrong, I want what my family is telling me to do, I would love being a doctor helping those who need me. But my passion is acting. I love being on the stage, all eyes on me. If it was up to me I would love to be a theater teacher or possibly an english teacher. I know the choice is mine but I can't live with letting my parents down and not following the path they've established. Graduation is fastly approaching and I have no idea which path I will be taking when the time comes. I've just got to take things day by day and see where they lead, maybe a new dream will form and I'll follow that, I don't know. For right now I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, hoping I'm making the right cho

Customers...

     I work at a fast food restaurant in the town where I live. In this job I come across many different people, some of them I like and some of them I really want to get out of my store. The people that especially fall under that category are: mess makers, bum heads, and last minute customers.      Mess Makers : These are the customers that come in and make a complete and total mess of the place. They completely wreck my beautiful dining room, leaving their fry cartons and wrappers on the floor, food all over the place, maybe even just walking out while their tray is still on the table. People who move my chairs and tables and don't replace them fall under this category too. Sometimes they wreck the bathrooms too or the condiment stand. Most of the time there is nothing you can do with customers like these as they aren't truly identified until after they leave.      Bum Heads: These could be anybody. They are rude and treat us cashiers like we're idiots. They get upset o