I can't help but wonder if you think about me. I wonder if you've heard about me coming clean, if the thought terrifies you as much as it did me. I wonder if you know what you did was wrong or if you're still in denial, or maybe you honestly don't believe what you did was rape. I'm glad you're gone, that I never have to see you. I like not knowing when you come to town. But on the flip side of that, I never know. If I'm out shopping and I see someone who looks like you I panic. The anxiety builds and I'm frozen with terror. My heart races and I hurry to control my frantic breathing, to mask to the world around me that I'm ten seconds away from a massive panic attack. When you ended up at the same restaurant as my family and me, I refused to move from my table and chose to stay safe behind the wall dividing us.
I forgive you. I really do, but that doesn't mean I ever want to see your face again. That doesn't mean I can't still be angry. I am still incredibly furious at what you did to me, you ruined me. There's been far too many days like today, where I'm too emotionally distraught to leave my house. There have been many meltdowns, most of them private in the darkness of my room when I'm laying in bed thinking about everything. I used to be such a strong person, and then you happened. Now my facade is starting to crack. Because of you I don't know if I'll ever truly feel safe in my small town. I know that is ridiculous, I have plenty of people I can round up to protect me, but still there are times when I panic for no good reason at all.
You didn't just ruin my emotional well-being, you ruined my trust. Before you I found it was easy to open up to anybody I felt was worthy of my relationship. Now, it's a struggle. I'm constantly doubting if their intentions are true. I know this is ridiculous but I feel like you've ruined any chance at a happy relationship for me. I say it's ridiculous because I know I have to power to change that. It's not all your fault, except that I feel nobody wants to be with me once they find out what happened. I mean, come on, I'm just the Girl Who Was Raped. You're who I have to thank for that title. I want so much more for my life than to just be the Rape Victim. I am honestly trying to move past it, but when people find out what happened on the day in May 2013, I see the way they view me change.
In some warped and twisted way, I'm thankful for what you did. Because of you, my trust isn't so easy to come by. I'm more cautious, especially around any guy I see as a potential boyfriend. I now know to actually pay attention to the warning signs in a relationship, instead of ignoring them. Because if I could go back and talk to myself that senior year of high school, I would tell her to pay attention to those red flags and to run like hell before saying yes to dating you. But I can't go back. It's in the past and I have to move on. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but if you do I want you to know that yes, you raped me. I said no, I went to leave the car. I kept saying no as it was happening. I regret not telling you why I was mad at you, because even then I knew what you did was rape I just don't think I was willing to admit that. You hurt me in more ways than you will ever know. I forgive you, and I pray for you.
I forgive you. I really do, but that doesn't mean I ever want to see your face again. That doesn't mean I can't still be angry. I am still incredibly furious at what you did to me, you ruined me. There's been far too many days like today, where I'm too emotionally distraught to leave my house. There have been many meltdowns, most of them private in the darkness of my room when I'm laying in bed thinking about everything. I used to be such a strong person, and then you happened. Now my facade is starting to crack. Because of you I don't know if I'll ever truly feel safe in my small town. I know that is ridiculous, I have plenty of people I can round up to protect me, but still there are times when I panic for no good reason at all.
You didn't just ruin my emotional well-being, you ruined my trust. Before you I found it was easy to open up to anybody I felt was worthy of my relationship. Now, it's a struggle. I'm constantly doubting if their intentions are true. I know this is ridiculous but I feel like you've ruined any chance at a happy relationship for me. I say it's ridiculous because I know I have to power to change that. It's not all your fault, except that I feel nobody wants to be with me once they find out what happened. I mean, come on, I'm just the Girl Who Was Raped. You're who I have to thank for that title. I want so much more for my life than to just be the Rape Victim. I am honestly trying to move past it, but when people find out what happened on the day in May 2013, I see the way they view me change.
In some warped and twisted way, I'm thankful for what you did. Because of you, my trust isn't so easy to come by. I'm more cautious, especially around any guy I see as a potential boyfriend. I now know to actually pay attention to the warning signs in a relationship, instead of ignoring them. Because if I could go back and talk to myself that senior year of high school, I would tell her to pay attention to those red flags and to run like hell before saying yes to dating you. But I can't go back. It's in the past and I have to move on. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but if you do I want you to know that yes, you raped me. I said no, I went to leave the car. I kept saying no as it was happening. I regret not telling you why I was mad at you, because even then I knew what you did was rape I just don't think I was willing to admit that. You hurt me in more ways than you will ever know. I forgive you, and I pray for you.
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