As I type this I'm not sure if, or when I’ll be ready to hit that button to share our story with the world.
It is currently July 29, 2021. We have officially been trying to conceive for almost two months now. (Well, I’ve been trying… my husband is still in the whole “leave it up to fate” mentality.) Trust me, I know that this is a short and minuscule amount of time in the TTC community. But, I also feel like that shouldn’t invalidate my feelings about our journey so far.
As soon as my husband and I started dating I knew that I wanted to start a family with him. Before we were even officially engaged I had made a game plan with my OBGYN to remove my IUD at my next yearly follow up appointment the following December. I knew my body needed to detox from the years of having the IUD in place and figured this would give us a good six months or so before we were ready to start actively trying.
That marked our starting point on this uphill battle. My appointment got pushed back from December to February. I was mildly annoyed… but I ended up with a new care provider who specializes in PCOS, so it wasn’t all that bad. (I received my official PCOS diagnosis about 3 or so years ago, but I’ve known since I was in high school that I would more than likely end up with it.) At this appointment, we set up a game plan for what we were going to do once the IUD came out, and then the IUD refused to come out. After 2 separate appointments resulting in failed attempts to retrieve the darn thing, I was finally scheduled to be put under general anesthesia.
The thought of having to resort to surgery to remove the stupid thing was extremely upsetting. At this point, it was April… 4 months later than I had originally planned on removing it, and now I was looking at waiting another month. To make emotions even worse, a friend in a group chat I was in had gotten pregnant without even trying and I just lost it. I’m talking a level 10 meltdown in the break room at my work. It was in this moment I realized just how isolating this journey was going to be.
My surgery date came and the IUD was finally out. I knew that we weren’t going to be one of those cases that got pregnant right away, but that didn’t stop me from hoping that would be the case.
It is now January 7th, 2022. I had left this behind for a while... but I am ready to talk about where we are at now. Every month, I remain optimistic that this will be our month. Every month I am devastated as I see multiple tests coming back with one pink line instead of two. My life has now become a constant routine. Wake up in the morning, take my morning medications. One pill has to be taken on an empty stomach, so I make sure to wake up early enough that I have time to eat breakfast after waiting 30 minutes for the medication to settle. Nighttime brings another round of medications, many of which are set for specific days. On top of the pills, there's the ovulations tests I need to remember to take. Certain brands respond better to second morning urine, while others require first morning urine, so often times I find myself testing multiple times a day. I have even gone as far as to taking test strips with me to work, so I don't miss my peak. And then there's the routine bloodwork that happens Cycle Day 21 to confirm if my body is doing its job.
I have officially started feeling like I am losing my mind. I miss the me I was before this became my obsession. But, I'm also struggling to remember that she isn't gone. I just have to work harder to bring the old self back. I will say that this journey has not been as isolating as I thought it would be. I have found a new community of support that I can rely on. It is helpful in knowing that I am not alone. I have started relying more on my faith in this trying time. It has been difficult to say the least, but there is a profound amount of comfort and healing that has occurred through this.
Learning that I can trust in the Lord's timing while also seeking out professional help and answers to what is causing this infertility has been an interesting balance. I am thankful to have found a team of doctors so willing to help me conceive. My husband is finally on board to go get testing of his own done. I am praying that we have more clarity on our next steps come the end of the month. I do not know when this journey will result in holding my sweet babe in my arms. It could be this year, it could be 2 years from now or even 5 years from now. But I am learning to trust in God's timing. And I am surrendering control, even though the control freak in me doesn't always know how to do that.
I had hoped to have a better update six months down the road, but unfortunately that is not the case. I do know I am done holding these emotions in and suffering in silence. Whether you have been trusting to conceive for 1 month, or for 10 years. You are valid, your feelings are valid. You do not have to suffer alone. My heart goes out to anyone who knows this struggle. May we one day find peace and calm in the eye of the storm.
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