Mourning

     Okay let's get one thing very clear here: I have seen a lot of death... like A LOT of death within these past few years. I personally hate death and all that it brings... between losing my Uncle and my friend Nolan in the same week to losing my Great Grandma less than a year later I'd thought that I'd somehow grown immune to the pain that death brings... I was oh so very wrong. When little Nathaniel Wiebe was sent up to God's loving arms I lost it. I'm not sure why that was I'd never been particularly close to Nate, I don't even recall holding him. I think part of my devastation was that I am very fond of the Wiebe family. Because of Phil and Melissa my family is stronger than we ever would be had we not met them. Without Phil and Melissa my parents wouldn't be married and I probably wouldn't have a very good relationship with my mom. So I was crushed that something so heartbreaking could happen to such a good family. I remember crying in my room after the house was empty, this wasn't little cries either I cried the deep gut wrenching sobs that rub your throat raw... I cried until I couldn't cry any more. Then our church suffered another loss. We lost Ron Metcalf one of the most amazing people I have ever known... someone who I was indeed very close with. When he died I kept expecting for it to sink in that he was dead. I kept waiting to break down crying like I had for the Wiebes but the tears never came. Even while I was at his funeral watching Garon choke up as he talked about his dad and seeing Janie cry for the loss of her husband I still couldn't cry. It was almost as though I was numb to death and its sting.

     Once again our church family is suffering another loss: the loss of Mike Volpa. I went to his memorial service not expecting to feel anything other than sorrow for his family. But I couldn't help myself but to cry and I felt so selfish too. Who am I to cry at the funeral of somebody I barely knew but the occasional "Hi how are you?" at church??? Who am I to fall to pieces while the rest of his family stands strong for Kelly, Mike's daughter who was falling apart? Who am I to do that? Why am I crying? Then I realized I wasn't just mourning for Mike and the loss his family suffered. I was mourning a lot of things. I was crying for Ron Metcalf and for my Great Grandma, I was crying for myself. 

     I was mourning the loss of the girl I used to be. I was crying for the girl who stupidly let her guard down for a boy she felt she loved and that he loved her back. A boy she was willing to become a military wife for because she was that strongly "in love" with him. A boy who in the end took advantage of her. Who made her feel used and dirty because she broke the ultimate promise and gave away too much of her self. I cry now for the innocence lost and for the part of me that I will never get back. In the end it was a good thing he ended the relationship when he did and looking back I realize now that it was not a healthy relationship at all... he had put up so many red flags and warning signs that I ignored because I really wanted it to work out with him. I sit here and I weep for the happy girl I was not even three months ago who has now been replaced by someone bitter and hollow. But in the end this is a lesson learned and now hopefully I can help others avoid making the same mistake that I did. I am so thankful that God put me into High Tides. That he gave me a reason to keep going to church and to read my bible and I know that in time with his help I will be healed and hopefully back to the happy person I was before I made all my mistakes. Until then I will stay strong and keep my head up because bad things do happen but you can take that and be miserable and let it drag you down or you can take it and say "yeah that sucked but you know what everything happens for a reason and I'm going to make the most of it." One of my coworkers was telling me that in the end I was the one who came out the better person in this breakup and that he's never seen any other girls handle the situation as well as I did. I know that I have God to thank for that, without his help and his strength I'd probably still be curled up in my bed crying over that stupid boy and not focusing on what lies ahead.