Hi Matt,
Wow. You've been gone for five years now. It feels like you left us not so long ago. I struggled with your loss for a while. You were my first major experience with death. I was thirteen and not sure what to do. I remember seeing your mom torn to pieces over losing you. She was crying over your casket and wouldn't let them lower you down, she didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't learn how you died until about two years after you died. My mom told me it was suicide and that Stephanie blames herself. I was pissed. I couldn't believe you would be so heartless. I wanted to go out to your gravesite and yell at you. I wanted to scream and kick your headstone, to pound the ground by your grave. You killed your mother inside when you did that. You hurt us all. I didn't think I would ever forgive you for that. And then my own depression hit me. I wanted to kill myself, but never could go through with it because I thought of your suicide and the effect it had on you mom. If suicide could crumble even the strongest person in my life, my rock when my life was shaken, I knew it would drive my mom to her own depression and I couldn't hurt her like that. I was still mad at you. I mean if I could manage to think this rationally, why couldn't you? Fast forward a few months and I just couldn't see that light at the end of the tunnel anymore. The suicidal thoughts came more frequently and a couple times I gave in. Tried desperately to end it all. But each time I'd think about Stephanie and I couldn't do it. I couldn't hurt my family. It was then that my attitude changed. I began to understand why you did it. It's extremely hard to fight that voice that keeps telling you it will be better to end your life. I began to grow more thankful towards your suicide. It is what has kept me fighting every day when I wake up. It is what makes me shake off that little voice that tells me to cut again, but this time cut that place where I won't stop bleeding. So thank you. Because of you suicide is never an option for me. Because of you I will keep fighting, I won't make the same mistake you did. Because of you Donavon turned his life around. He's married now and is currently away at boot camp. Because of you he gave up drugs. Your mom is clean now too, after you died she starting drinking but she's better. She's teaching English at Dixie State and she loves it. Maybe things would've been better if you hadn't killed yourself. Maybe you would've gotten clean and stayed that way. You would've gone to school and done something with your life. Maybe you wouldn't have and both you and Donavon would've gone off the deep end together. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten that experience with your suicide and I wouldn't be here right now to write you this letter. We'll never know what would've happened if you hadn't committed suicide and dwelling on it isn't helping me get over it. Truth is you were selfish and you did kill yourself. The truth of the matter is you hurt us all. It's an experience I wish we never had to go through but we did. You made us all a little bit better through your death. That has to count for something and I thank you for that.
Yours,
Becca
Wow. You've been gone for five years now. It feels like you left us not so long ago. I struggled with your loss for a while. You were my first major experience with death. I was thirteen and not sure what to do. I remember seeing your mom torn to pieces over losing you. She was crying over your casket and wouldn't let them lower you down, she didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't learn how you died until about two years after you died. My mom told me it was suicide and that Stephanie blames herself. I was pissed. I couldn't believe you would be so heartless. I wanted to go out to your gravesite and yell at you. I wanted to scream and kick your headstone, to pound the ground by your grave. You killed your mother inside when you did that. You hurt us all. I didn't think I would ever forgive you for that. And then my own depression hit me. I wanted to kill myself, but never could go through with it because I thought of your suicide and the effect it had on you mom. If suicide could crumble even the strongest person in my life, my rock when my life was shaken, I knew it would drive my mom to her own depression and I couldn't hurt her like that. I was still mad at you. I mean if I could manage to think this rationally, why couldn't you? Fast forward a few months and I just couldn't see that light at the end of the tunnel anymore. The suicidal thoughts came more frequently and a couple times I gave in. Tried desperately to end it all. But each time I'd think about Stephanie and I couldn't do it. I couldn't hurt my family. It was then that my attitude changed. I began to understand why you did it. It's extremely hard to fight that voice that keeps telling you it will be better to end your life. I began to grow more thankful towards your suicide. It is what has kept me fighting every day when I wake up. It is what makes me shake off that little voice that tells me to cut again, but this time cut that place where I won't stop bleeding. So thank you. Because of you suicide is never an option for me. Because of you I will keep fighting, I won't make the same mistake you did. Because of you Donavon turned his life around. He's married now and is currently away at boot camp. Because of you he gave up drugs. Your mom is clean now too, after you died she starting drinking but she's better. She's teaching English at Dixie State and she loves it. Maybe things would've been better if you hadn't killed yourself. Maybe you would've gotten clean and stayed that way. You would've gone to school and done something with your life. Maybe you wouldn't have and both you and Donavon would've gone off the deep end together. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten that experience with your suicide and I wouldn't be here right now to write you this letter. We'll never know what would've happened if you hadn't committed suicide and dwelling on it isn't helping me get over it. Truth is you were selfish and you did kill yourself. The truth of the matter is you hurt us all. It's an experience I wish we never had to go through but we did. You made us all a little bit better through your death. That has to count for something and I thank you for that.
Yours,
Becca
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